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What We Have Here

Nothing fancy here. Just a repository for my material — mostly humor and fiction but workplace writing, too, for prospective paymasters who'd like to see samples. Just ask.

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There's a novel here also, called Thank God for That, an antic yarn in which the vampires of Washington, DC, vie with the vultures of Madison Avenue for the title of “Most Likely to Wreck the Republic in the Regular Course of Business.” It’s a close race. It predates our current predicament by a few presidential terms, so I'm a visionary.

 

IThe manuscript retains its chaste virtue by virtue of never having been published or optioned. If you are or know someone who knows an agent, publisher or filmmaker, here's an opportunity to get in on the ground floor.​

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In sum, should you find yourself in want of words — speech, presentation, remarks, op-ed, essay, newsletter article, eulogy, toast, letter of interest, note of apology, bill of lading, recriminating text, pleading email, bris barb, quips for any occasion, or punched-up prose of any kind — let’s talk.

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A bit more about me.

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  • Speaking of Kierkegaard, some people say he was the wittiest of the 18th Century Swedish
                physicists, which is hilarious 
    because
                   he was a 19th Century Dutch                             philosopher. People are dopes.


     

  • What I love about amazon is being able to watch a video demonstrating how a pair of socks will perform in real life. It's empowering
     

  • I'm a failed people pleaser.
     

  • Therapist told me I'm a Type A. That makes me incompatible with half of my USB ports.
     

  • I've got the holiday blues, work blows, my knee hurts, the cold weather's crushing what's left of my spirit, my dog is going blind, I'm bloated, and I've got nothing coming in from amazon. But I can't complain.
     

  • 3-legged stool? Hard pass.​​​
     

  • ​                    It's weird that so many ancient                          Greeks didn't have limbs or                              heads. Look at the photos!
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  • ​​Never understood death row inmates who order gargantuan last meals. The last thing I wanna do after a huge meal is get executed. Too full!

 

  • ​Still in shock. This is not the country I thought it was. I just can't believe it! I'm the only one who  sometimes confuses "hijab" with "handjob."
     

  • I'm a big backer of tighter gun laws, or as I call it, “Right to Life Without Getting Shot in the Throat While Being Carjacked.”

 

  • It’s one month since I swore, on the lives of my children, that I’d stop drinking, start exercising, and finally get my shit together. Sure do miss those kids.

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  • Actually, there are dumb questions. Lots of them.
     

  • You know who you never hear about? The first of the Mohicans. What's that guy's story?
     

  • What if it isn't what it is?
     

  • Why do waiters always want to know if I want a cock tail? No I do not, thank you very much.
     

  • Pollsters asked voters their views on the hateful partisanship that's destroying the country. 57% said "Yes," 72% said they like pie.
     

  • Remarks Rarely Heard, Chapter 12: “I gotta get inside more often.”
     

  • Remarks never heard, Chapter 1: "You gotta read David Brooks's column today. He nailed it!"
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  • House ethics investigation of Matt Gaetz finds none.
     

  • Never understood death row inmates who who order gargantuan last meals. The last thing I feel like doing after a huge meal is getting executed. Too full!”

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The Ding Dong Man

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'I schlonged your mother when she was your age.'

It's Xi and Ye!

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